What a Difference a Day Makes...

On Valentine's Day I found out I was pregnant!  

What a difference a day makes!  

After having Teagan I felt like our family was complete and she was such a good baby/toddler that I was glad we were ending on a good note.  Apparently Chase wasn't on the same page.  He said he felt like we should have one more baby.  After giving him all my (selfish) reasons to not, he convinced me to see what would happen.  A year later, I felt strongly that that we gave it a good go and I was ready to move on.  Before I had a chance to discuss my feelings with him, out of nowhere I felt like I should take a pregnancy test which was positive.

To be honest, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the news.  I have a hard time with change sometimes and this was going to be a big change.  We were looking at bigger SUVs, and thinking about remodeling our house to make another bedroom, we would have to go back to nap schedules and diapers, and plans we had made had to be changed.  I did a lot of complaining to Chase and Tara mostly.  I complained about maternity clothes, gaining weight, c-sections, carrying a car seat and diaper bag.  I stressed about breast feeding and schedules and getting the other kids to school and activities.  I had been out of the baby stage for a while.  Unfortunately when I complained out loud I never finished my thoughts.  When I had these worries and frustrations I always told myself that it would work out, it always has, and that would become the new normal.

As time went on I got more and more used to the idea and was getting excited.  I had two appointments and two ultrasounds and saw the baby wiggling and waving and it was impossible not to love it.  I started thinking about names wondering if it would be a girl or a boy.

We told the kids after my appointment at the end of March.  I had taken the girls with me and the doctor was talking to them about it so I figured it was time.  They were excited but probably not too surprised.  I can't count how many times Brinley and Teagan would ask me if there was a baby in my tummy.  I guess they could tell it was growing!  Then we took some picture to announce to our family and friends.

On April 20th I woke up and was spotting a little bit.  I quickly did an internet search and felt sure that it was nothing because I was already 14 weeks.  I had my regular appointment scheduled for later that morning anyway.  I wasn't worried at all and actually thought on the way there that my doctor would surely do an ultrasound so I could possibly find out what we were having.  Unfortunately the ultrasound showed something else, no heartbeat.
What a difference a day makes!

I think I was in shock and it didn't really seem real until my doctor started discussing the D&C.  Then I felt every emotion possible simultaneously. Mostly I was feeling a lot of guilt that it was my fault, something I did or didn't do, and for not being completely thrilled about the miracle and blessing a baby is.  As hard as it was for a few days, I felt blessed in many ways.  These bad feelings I had quickly changed into peace and I know that things happen for a reason and I begun looking for the blessings.  People brought treats, notes, flowers, put my name on the prayer roll in the temple, etc.  My wonderful Relief Society president pointed out the timing was a blessing.  My family had planned to come two days after the D&C so it was great to have fun with them.

While I don't know what will happen in the future, I know that because of this experience I appreciate my family even more and I feel like I am able to be a better mom.  My love for my wonderful husband has grown and our relationship is even better.  I know my Father in Heaven is aware of me and loves me. For this I am grateful!